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Want to Be a Good Friend? Be a Great Listener

Written by Katherine Dreyer, Co-Founder of ChiRunning & ChiWalking
Founder of ChiLife Coaching

 

“There is as much wisdom in listening as there is in speaking.” – Daniel Dae Kim

When your partner, child, or friend feels truly listened to and heard, you fulfill a deep and profound need.

Listening is the foundation of meaningful communication that really connects people.

This kind of listening goes beyond simply hearing the words being spoken—it’s about absorbing the entire message – understanding it and empathizing with the emotions behind it.

And, when you practice good listening habits, you grow as a person. You’re presence becomes more embodied, peaceful and aware. It is a true win win.

Here are aspects of listening you can practice regularly, which also apply to tuning into your own inner self:

  1. Show that you are fully engaged: Maintain eye contact, nod occasionally, and use facial expressions to convey that you’re fully present and listening.. Encourage the speaker with brief verbal affirmations like, “I see,” “Yes,” and “Go on.”

    Phrases like “No wonder!” can be particularly effective, such as “No wonder you’re feeling so good about that” or “No wonder that hurt you.”

  2. Seek Clarity: Reflect and clarify your understanding of what you’ve heard without offering your opinion or point of view. You might say, “It sounds like you are saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…” This allows them to hear their own words and possibly express their thoughts in a way that feels even more accurate to them.
  3. Avoid Interrupting: Give them space to complete their thoughts before you express yourself. You don’t want to disrupt their flow, interject, or give your point of view. It can be challenging, but practicing patience helps prevent arguments and ensures better communication.
  4. Be truly empathetic: Try to fully accept, understand, and emotionally align with their perspective, even if it differs from your own. View the situation from their point of view, as if you were in their shoes.
  5. Ask questions that deepen their experience: Try asking questions that encourage the speaker to explore their thoughts and feelings more deeply, questions like, “How does that feel?” “Can you tell me more about that?” “How did you like that?” “I’m curious how you handled that.”
  6. When they’re finished, summarize what you heard: Just as advertisers understand that customers need repeated messages before making a purchase, people require multiple confirmations that they’ve been heard.

    So, after your friend has finished, avoid giving advice or sharing a similar experience – neither of which makes a person feel heard. It takes away from their experience.

  7. Listen with 70% of your attention and monitor yourself with the other 30%. If you find yourself getting emotionally triggered, feeling the urge to give advice, or becoming frustrated, acknowledge these feelings briefly while continuing to focus on your partner. It may take some practice, but you’ll get there!

I’d love to be your guide.

 

 

Get a Free ChiLife Coaching Session with Katherine Dreyer, co-founder of ChiRunning, ChiWalking and ChiLife Coaching.

ChiLife Coaching adapts the principles used in ChiRunning and ChiWalking to bring positive change to your whole life.

What to expect: In your free 50-minute session, you’ll get a feel for working with me and ChiLife Coaching. We’ll explore one of your challenges or goals. It’s a great way to experience the support and guidance you’ll receive in regular sessions. You can easily book your spot through my online scheduler. You’ll get all the details by email right away.

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